Saturday Storytelling

Sometimes stories are the best way to express ourselves. That said, I am not always the most concise storyteller. I hope you will bear with me as I attempt to relay my thoughts in story form.

My youngest son has significant special needs. Recently I had surgery to resurface my big toe joint. Sounds complicated - really it's not so much. The thing is… I had to stay in bed with my foot elevated for TWO WEEKS following the surgery. Now THAT was interesting! My family pitched in to help, and everything went smoothly. However, I was concerned about how my youngest son was dealing with my absence from his daily care-giving routines. It seemed that he was more distant than usual from the other family members and me…. and I interpreted this as a failure on my part to "be there" for him. It made me sad.

But an interesting thing happened about 3 days after the surgery. My son, who had never really seen me just lay around in bed all day, came and stood in the doorway of my room – giving me just a few direct glances. He then took off down the hallway. I felt special because he had paid SOME attention to me, but again I began to think about how my son was dealing with things. I felt like I'd let him down. He depends on me!

Shortly after this, my son returned to my doorway and ventured inside. He danced over to the bed where I lay with the foot up on pillows, and risked a couple of brief smiles aimed at me. Then he moved to the end of the bed, where he knelt and stroked the bedspread as he continued to offer me very brief glances. Even this tiny bit of communication is highly unusual for my son, and yet this was his very best attempt to say to me… "I miss you Mom".

Just as quickly as he had stopped by, my son took off again to do the things he loves… walking briskly through the house, looking longingly outdoors, and listening to music on his favorite station. The end came as impulsively as the beginning. Someone I shared this with suggests that perhaps my son had been contemplating sharing his emotions with me when he first stopped by my room… and that possibly he'd had an inward struggle with the decision to share the emotion or not. I hadn't thought of that possibility… that of the deliberations to work through in order to arrive at a point at which he felt comfortable sharing with me in such a way.

Can you think of a time when you had to deliberate before you could allow yourself to become vulnerable with someone? I can. It happens all the time, with less dramatic consequences. All of us have a tendency to be protective of ourselves, and to not share ourselves completely with each other. In the "world" of special needs families, there is a greater tendency to react this way than in most other "worlds". Somehow we think we have more to lose by being vulnerable than do others. Not true. In reality, we have the very same potential to BE A BLESSING as do others in those other "worlds". In fact, our vulnerability with each other is one of the ways that God uses to comfort us, to inspire us, and to guide us. That's right… God uses what we view as our weaknesses (and perhaps try to conceal) to reach others who are facing the same difficult things, or similar ones.

I was deeply touched by my son's initial attempt to communicate his feelings on the day he entered my room so mysteriously. To him, it was done at great risk. Risk, unknown and indecipherable to me, but it was a risk to him just the same. Later in the week, he became even bolder and braver, and entered the room to climb into bed with me and kiss me. Then I realized anew just how very much he WAS connected to me despite the outward appearances that could be otherwise misconstrued.

How often must God feel as I did on those days… seeing us pause at the doorway of communication with Him, wishing us to fully engage in the conversation of life with Him? I wonder if His heart soars as mine did, when we venture to come to Him as we are… our special needs and all… and to tell Him we trust Him, and we need Him, and we love Him.
I wonder…

"But Jesus called the children to him and said,
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these".

Luke 18:16 NIV